I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I think I won the penis lottery.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
