Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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