Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
