i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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