No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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