Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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