you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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