you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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