I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
