i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
