When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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