Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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