im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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