I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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