well I can't set my house on fire every night
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize