I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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