We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize