Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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