No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
