and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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