I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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