my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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