Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
