You work out of a Hotel?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize