"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
