I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
