Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
