Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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