Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
