I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
