I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
