i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
