and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
