He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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