I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What drink are we having for lunch?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
