I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
