I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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