if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
