I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
