i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
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