then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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