Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
