One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
