ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
