Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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