at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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