Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Welp...herpes.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
