You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
