I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think my fart just growled at me.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
