People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
