Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
