I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He kissed a someone with a penis
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
