I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
