it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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